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Just some thoughts…

October 12, 2011

Isn’t it funny how everything you thought was real isn’t?

I feel like I have been living a lie that was living in truth’s body.

Feelings can’t lie. They have never been able to. Sure, you can lie about being in love but eventually the truth comes out.  Eventually the other person will know that you are not being true to them. But real love is different. You create a bond. The bond is NEVER unbreakable even if you are not together anymore.

He loves me. I love him but we were never meant to be. Just because of the way that things started we will never be satisfied. I hate that we ended up like this but I know that it is for the best.

The anger that I feel is unmatched but I feel MORE angry that my feelings are not acknowledged. BUT oh well. You live life and move on. You can scream, curse whatever but eventually you have to know that the person is not listening anymore, then you look like a crazy person.

I wear my battle wounds. I have my proof. I feel like my heart is so heavy. I dont like laying my feelings on others but when I am alone I just get sad. Not for our lost love but for myself. Everytime I fall my faith in love weakens just a little more. I am tired of holding on to it.

I appreciate my friends for holding my hand thru it. But how can you console someone who has NO idea what is going to make her happy? Im gonna tell you something. I know it sounds crazy and immature HOWEVER…. I just want to fuck the pain away. I want to erase him from my body and my mind. I know this aint the right way to do shit but I dont even care. Sometimes I feel like my soul is hollow. I move into another mode. I’m protecting my heart. I have to. Nobody is going to have my best interest in mind BUT me.

Thanks for listening.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. October 12, 2011 11:41 pm

    Keep your head up Ma. I’ve been stomped in the nuts by love before and that pain still hurts. It does get better tho. From your blogs I see that you are very intelligent so you will be ok.

    Peace and blessing to you

  2. October 13, 2011 2:04 am

    Screwing distracts pain. It neither soothes, resolves and definitely doesn’t dissipate it. In fact, it creates a whole new flavor of destruction and unhealthy soul ties that pierce your spirit and creates more wounds than what you already have.

    At the same time, I don’t have the answers. Hell, I’m searching for them myself. But I do know the anger, sadness, pain and dimmed faith are real and the ETA of relief seems light years away. When will you stop feeling like shit? God only knows.

    But destructive behavior only increases the shittiness exponentially.


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