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When?

November 15, 2011

When?

So. A lot of my friends are going through the same transitional phase where they are coming out of a relationship and trying to learn what it is to be single and happy. More than anything I am inspired to tell them that they are not crazy for actually wanting the time to cope. I am a lot more patient that most folks. I understand that it may take time to really go over each issue of your relationship and sort out where you were responsible and where the other part was responsible. I guess this has led me to ask the question:

When do you stop blaming yourself? When do you understand that fate is fate and there is really nothing you can do about it?

When I console a friend who is going through a breakup the first thing I tell them is to make a list. Make a list of all the reasons that you broke up, being honest with yourself, make a side for things that were your fault and things that were their fault. Then make a place that is for shared blame. When I went through my breakup in September, I did the same. There were a lot of things that I needed to write down and see to fully understand WHY the breakup was necessary. I also stared at a lot of things that I put on my side as things that were ‘my fault’ and really started at the beginning and tried to figure out if there was anything that I could have done differently.  Some things, I was clearly wrong. The shit was black and white and stinking up the relationship. Other things that I wrote down were neither his fault nor mind so I had a hard time accepting them and moving on.

UNTIL.

I realized that in this great scheme of things… we don’t really have control over the things that happen to us. I mean YES, we are responsible for making the right decisions and being the best person that we know how to be BUT I think that you have to breathe a little and know that you will end up exactly where you need to be even when you don’t think you will.

So WHEN do you get over it?

Eventually is always my answer. I believe in giving a person the time that they need to properly grieve. If you were in a year relationship, you wont be over it in a day.

I just try to be there.

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